It’s the afternoon of my last day in Dublin and I’m sitting at the airport drinking a Guinness and life is so so good in all the strangest of ways.
I originally intended to write all about my weekend trips and what I’ve been up to in Dublin. Clearly, I didn’t do that. Oops. Honestly, I didn’t really know how to articulate any of my experiences. Writing about it and describing every detail took away from it somehow. And no one really cared anyway (except maybe my mom). But I thought I should write one last piece, saying au revoir.
About a month and a half into the semester a friend and I were having coffee, waiting for a train to Northern Ireland. We were feeling pretty sorry for ourselves after a very unlucky morning. He told me about a conversation he had with his mom the previous week and that she said, “I hope you’re having the time of your life.” He looks at me and asks,
“Is it bad that I’m not?”
His question sent a wave of relief through my body. I knew exactly what he was talking about, what he was feeling. I wasn’t alone!
Have you ever been in an experience or a period of your life and for some reason, you couldn’t fully appreciate it or even realize how great it is? This is a quality that I am actively trying to stop. Not appreciating the full value of something is so sad. That was study abroad for me. Throughout the semester I kept asking myself, why am I not having the time of my life? What am I doing wrong?
Then, last week I was in Maynooth for a Christmas soiree with some of the friends I made from my program. I looked around at the circle; everyone was drinking wine and laughing. Then it hit me and everything fell into place. I thought,
Holy shit. I am so happy right now. I know what you’re thinking, and no, it wasn’t the wine. I was with amazing, kind people from all over the U.S. and we were brought together by a great experience. What could be better?
I’m not sure why I sometimes had trouble actively recognizing that it was an amazing opportunity throughout the semester. I think my expectations for the semester were distorted. I was hearing about the past experiences of other people and placing them into my own very unsure future. I feel people put study abroad on a pedestal. I think I did before I got here too but then again, it’s really difficult not to. Of course, there is no denying that it is an amazing opportunity. Having the chance to live in a different country for a semester and being able to travel? Who wouldn’t jump on that? But I think it becomes very easy to overlook the fact that it is still life. It is not a fairy tale dream world. People often describe as coming home after their study abroad semester as “coming back to reality.” If it wasn’t reality, what was it…? Study abroad is reality; it is an insult and simply wrong to call it anything else. The fact that you’re in a foreign country doesn’t give you a hall pass to escape reality. You can’t fly away from your problems. Not really. Though I saw some people try their best to do so. It is a great reality to be in.
For me, it wasn’t all laughing and clubbing until late and meeting foreign guys that swept me off my feet (that last one is actually nonexistent). I didn’t come for love. I didn’t come because I wanted to start over and be a new person. I came here because I wanted to truly get to know myself. The Becca with no strings attached, with no one here that I knew or that knew me. It was about “widening my horizons.” Lol. It was about having a clean slate with myself and having the chance to explore the world. I didn’t come to Ireland with the deluded expectation of becoming a whole new person. It’s not possible. Nor do I think I needed to.
A few days ago, I was attempting to juggle finishing two term papers and enjoy my last few days in Dublin simultaneously. Definitely not my best idea. I was gearing up to go to the bars with two of my friends and I hadn’t slept more than two hours a night in more days than I could count. Long story short, one of my friends asked me if my sleep schedule was an Ireland Becca thing or a general Becca thing. Since we had all met each other here in Ireland, it made her wonder if she was getting to know people differently than if she met them in the United States. It made me think, was I a different person?
I had the chance to be. I could have made significant changes to myself if I had wanted to because there was no one in my program or in Dublin that knew me before Ireland. But I didn’t. I was the same old Becca that I was in America – but thankfully, just a little more responsible here… maybe. It felt good to be my authentic, genuine self while grooming some of not-so-great qualities. Being in a situation that basically forced independence and maturity was really good for me. Jumping out of my bubble of familiarity was more difficult than I originally imagined. Mostly because my comfort zone was a lot smaller than I thought. All the changes I had encountered in my life weren’t as huge as this one. When I dove into this experience headfirst, I was surprised to find out how deep the water was.
To be honest, I am feeling incredibly sentimental right now as I gear up to leave my home away from home. These feelings make it hard to recognize the true experience because nostalgia somehow only makes you remember the good in things. That fickle lil b*tch.
Maybe it makes me weak (or pathetic or too honest) to admit this but some parts of the semester were absolute hell. At first, I thought I was just homesick. I realized later that it was more than that. It was feeling more alone than I ever have in my whole life, even when I was surrounded by people. It was having no one talk to because everyone I could confide in was caught up in their own lives back at home. It was the feeling of having completely disappeared into the sea of people on the Dublin sidewalks. It was the feeling of “oh no, oh my God, what have I done?” and realizing there were no take backs on this. I was shocked and caught off guard when the initial feeling of “Yay, I’m in Ireland! This is so fun!” wore off. It left me feeling a little pissed off. Everyone failed to mention the not-so-great parts of study abroad. What’s up with that? Maybe it was because they didn’t have any or maybe it was because they didn’t want to admit that they didn’t have the TIMES OF THEIR LIVES.
When I stopped comparing my inner thoughts and feelings to people’s Instagram posts and Snapchat stories my time here improved significantly. It wasn’t fair to myself (or anyone else) to put my lows side by side to what other people chose to show the world and expect them to stack up. I stopped thinking about what study abroad should be like and just let myself live. It was liberating.
I guess I was naïve to think that there wouldn’t be lows. What did I expect? Blissful happiness for three and a half months? Who was I trying to kid?! Silly me.
But my god, there were HIGHS!
There were moments when I was standing in nature, after a long hike and staring at a scene so amazing, I felt completely whole. I felt refreshed and grounded. The moments like that were so amazing I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me – in the best way possible. The moment of finally arriving in a new city to explore and just thinking “wow.” It was gasp-inducing beauty; I was always shocked at how real and huge everything was. The lovely, larger-than-life places I had seen on Google were right in front of me. There were days that I felt incredibly content with where I was at in my life. I had so much inner peace. There were days walking to class that I felt pure and light. I walked with a hop in my step that no one could take away. There were days when sunshine poured from my chest and I saw the world through rainbow-colored vision. I had clarity, a renewed hope for my time here. There were nights when I went to my favorite bar and let myself get swept away in the live music. My loneliness got lost in the crowds of people dancing and sipping on beers. There were simple small moments, when I had a conversation with someone that just got it. Moments that rivaled the feeling of the first sip of a hot cup of coffee. Moments that I let go of the anxiety and sadness and let myself laugh, genuinely and loudly. Moments that stopped the heaviness from pushing on my chest. Moments when I wasn’t being weighed down by myself, by anything. Moments like that made it all worth it.
It would have been so easy to tell people that I had the greatest time ever. But avoiding the reality of the situation wouldn’t have changed my feelings on what was going on. It would have made me feel that much more alone.
Throughout the semester I had mixed feelings on a lot of things – the #1 being where I decided to go to school. That’s a story for another day. It’s truly bittersweet to leave Ireland. One thing that was a constant was that I loved living in Dublin. I’ll miss the rush and overwhelming excitement of being in a big city. I’ll miss never being bored and always having someplace new to go to. I’m going to miss my favorite bar, my favorite café, and no argument, the best Guinness in the world. I don’t want to leave the homeland. But I’m confident I’ll be back.
So I guess the most important question is, did I get what I came for?
Yes, yes, of course yes. Like I said, I chose to study abroad because I saw it as an opportunity to grow and experience new things. I’m confident in saying that I have accomplished those things. I am not a whole new person. I’ve become more comfortable with being myself. I’ve accepted that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I have learned to lean on myself and to pull myself through the struggle on my own. I have grown substantially more independent. I am the same old me, with some improvements.
Overall, this whole experience has made me realize that I don’t have to follow the rules or take the path that has been laid out for me. Not only do I not have to, I don’t want to. It has made me aware of how much more is out there for me to discover.
Thanks for the good craic, Ireland.
See you soon, family, friends, and New England.
P.S. – Guinness really is good for you. Sláinte!